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Undignified Worship

David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might...- 2 Samuel 6:14

I sometimes envy my husband.

Yes, I am jealous of him, not because of anything but because of how he worships the Lord. Oh how my husband can worship! He just adores the Lord and can lift up his voice, sing his praise, and even dance because of joyful worship to the King of Kings.

My husband really has the heart of a worshipper. Although I may consider myself a worshipper, too, as I would worship the Lord on my alone times with Him and during worship services, but when I look at my husband, I see King David.

Too bad Michal didn't share in what King David had for the Lord. But in my case, I do wish I can worship the Lord like my husband does--with sheer abandon! And he is not just doing carefree prancing, his is focused revelry, adoration, and extravagant praise to his beloved Savior.

King David said, in 2 Samuel 6:21-22, "...I will celebrate before the LORD. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes." And that is what I see in my husband.

Indeed if there is anything we should be undignified about, it should be our worship to our Creator and Savior. We express our love, appreciation, adoration, fear, and joy through worship.

And like my husband, I, too would want to be able to say that "I am undignified of my celebration of the Lord."

Waiting For People

...the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. -- 1 Peter 3:4

I have always been an impatient person. And it irks me so much when people are late for our appointments. It is because I am a stickler to time. When I make an appointment, I make sure that I am already at the appointed place about 10 to 15 minutes earlier in order to settle down. So when the person I am going to meet is 15 minutes late, that means I have been waiting for already half an hour. Unless otherwise there was really an emergency that kept me long, I can be expected to arrive before the time. Or else, I would send word that I will be late.

I remember having a cold war with a friend in college. We were supposed to meet in school at 3pm. I live very far from our school, so I had to travel almost an hour just to make the appointment. I got there at 2:45pm. At 3:30pm, my friend still wasn't there. When I called up their home phone to check if she had already left, she was the one who answered the phone. And to my dismay, I learned that she had not taken a bath yet. I knew that she takes a bath for about an hour and consumes about 30 minutes drying her hair. And the travel time from her house to our school is 30 minutes. So how much longer would I have to wait? No, I did not wait any longer. I went home. She didn't speak to me for several days.

I thought up of a solution to this problem of waiting. Instead of keeping the time of appointment, I would arrive "fashionably" later, like about 10-20 minutes later than the appointment. So if the other party arrives 30 minutes late, I only get to wait 10 minutes. And I am not harassed trying to keep the schedule. I did this for a few years. It did work well. But for those who arrived on time, they had to wait for me.

I have done this for several years until lately. As I read this verse in 1 Peter, I realized that my solution had been less than honorable. Not only did I join the ranks of Filipinos known to arrive late for appointments, I have been inconsiderate because I have made others wait as well. So instead, now I have decided to ask God, not really for the people that I am supposed to meet to arrive on time (although it will be much appreciated), but to have a gentle and quiet spirit as I wait for them.

The verse may be talking about other things, but for me, having a gentle and quiet spirit should affect all aspects of my life. Instead of grumbling because my friend or client is late, I am asking God for the serenity as I wait for them. Who knows? God may have a purpose for that time and I can use it to do other things, among which is to praise Him and listen to Him speak while I wait.

Repent from Worry

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. -- Matthew 6:34

My husband would often tell me not to worry. Especially when finances are running low or already in the negative, I worry on where to get money to pay the bills. So I would tell him that it is just easy for him to say, because I am the one keeping the budget anyway.

But then I realized as I re-read Matthew 6, this passage is not just a story. This is not about the birds in the air and the lilies in the field. This is a direct command from Jesus telling us not to worry. He just presented it in a story to make it very simple in order that we may understand.

Yet, still we don't. Or at least, I don't. Because I keep on worrying.

And because of this, I am already sinning because I am disobeying a direct command by the Lord. It also follows that because I worry, I do not trust the Lord completely, and thus making me sin some more.

With that realization, I asked forgiveness and repented of worrying. I have committed myself not to worry and to trust the Lord completely. May God enable me as I tread this new path of a life without worries.

Who is More Suplada?

But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy great peace. -- Psalm 37:11

I consider myself very "suplada"--a snobbish person. Or it could also connote "meanness" or having a bad attitude, someone capable of nasty remarks and who can do nasty things to people. I am not entirely a bad person in what other people would consider bad, however, if angered, my only option is to fight back. I am also very mataray (sarcastic).

But when I became a Christian, I mellowed down. Many people can attest that I have become more cheerful, less mataray, and more patient with other people.

There is still one problem though--if I am angered, I can still be really sarcastic and mean. And I would often say, which could refer to anybody, "If she is suplada, I am more suplada than her." Or, "If she's mataray, I can be more mataray." Or something to that effect. And I will really prove it. If the other person will snob or ignore me, I will do worse.

But I realized that is not what Jesus taught. Meekness was what Jesus heralded. He displayed meekness throughout His life here on earth, even at the point of death in the hands of an angry people.

"Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." That is the message of Matthew 5:5.

That means that if I were to follow Christ, meekness should be one of my values...ingrained in my character. That means to remain peaceable even when other people are mataray to me, when other people are suplada, when other people physically push me aside, are inconsiderate, or when people ignore me for one reason or the other. I am to be meek even when people gossip about or malign me. I don't know what inheriting the earth means in its entirety. But I do know what meekness is.

This world promotes fairness. Jesus promotes meekness.

What do I do? I repent.

So from now on. I will no longer make myself more suplada or more mataray than others. I will rather strive to be meeker each day.

In Publishing a Book

Run in such a way as to get the prize. -- 1Corinthians 9:24

I have always wanted to publish the contents of flowersbythewayside.com. But it seems, I don't have the opportunity of getting it done.

I know that God wanted me to do this in order to help spread His fame in the internet. I know that I was led to do this several years ago. And that I have continued to do.

It is not every week that I get to write something because of one reason or another, but there those times when I get discouraged because there seems to be no hope of getting the entire thing published in book form.

However a couple of weeks I was convicted. Whether or not Flowers By the Wayside the book gets published or not, I am to continue writing because that is what God called me to do--to share my life's experiences and what I learned from them through the web. The book part was not really included in the original call.

At the same time, I also felt that getting it published in book form is not really for God's glory but for my pride already, which is probably the main reason why it does not see its light among publishers.

So if Flowers by the Wayside gets published, it is already a bonus. If not, flowersbythewayside.blogspot.com will continue to live for as long as Google continues to host it. After all, the main prize is not getting this published but in reaping God's approval.

Enduring a Very Painful Childbirth

"...apart from me you can do nothing." -- John 15:5

I could probably say that the my first pregnancy was moderately difficult. The first trimester was easy and it only got kind of hard on the fifth month when a kidney, which I never knew I had, got dislodged in my ureter and I was hospitalized twice to manage the pain.

Then the third trimester came. Braxton-Hicks contractions came early and strong. On the eighth month, I thought I was already giving birth. It was difficult to get around because of the contractions and the pain on my back and the cramps on my legs. But I was not dilated still.

However, a day before the 38th week, my bag of water leaked--minimally at first. But I was hospitalized, given drugs to soften the cervix as I was only 1cm dilated, and then induced the next morning. The contractions were so strong that I would pass out every two minutes after a 30-second contraction. I thought I was lying in the labor room for several hours already as I was already having dreams, when in reality only a few minutes had passed. By around 6pm of the second day, I already begged for an epidural because I couldn't stand the pain anymore.

I thought I was just a weakling, but the doctor said that my contractions were really strong, according to the fetal monitor. My uterus, my doctor said, could possibly rupture because of the strength of the contractions.

Despite drumming myself up for the most positive and efficient childbirth scenario, mine was less than inspirational. The pregnant women who would talk me after my delivery ended up getting scared for their impending delivery.

During the early part of the induced labor while the pain was still tolerable, I would keep on singing praises to God. But during the more intense contractions, I would cry out to God when I was conscious, "Lord, please deliver me from this pain, I can't take this anymore." Then I would again praise Him.

Although I was short of complaining to God why I had to go through such pain, when I look back, I can't help but think if God wasn't with me. Could I really have gone through so much pain and survive? It was His strength that not just augment but perfected my weakness in my toughest moment.

Today, when I read John 15:5, I was reminded of what I went through and how God was with me. Why He allowed me to go through such an experience is beyond me, but what I know is, He was and still continues to be with me all the time. In fact, if He were not with me, I don't think I was able to endure the pain.

A Lesson from our Young Musician

“O Father, Lord of heaven and earth, thank you for hiding the truth from those who think themselves so wise and clever, and for revealing it to the childlike."--Matthew 11:25

For the first time, a young boy played the keyboard during the worship service in our church.

I have seen him grow over the years in church, but it was the first time that he served in that capacity. While he was playing music, he was oblivious to the congregation. Yes, he was taking cues from the worship leader, but he played and sang (although he was not a back-up singer) with all his heart and might. He was so expressive and his effusive display of worship was contaminating. And with his youthful innocence, I can probably safely say that there was no pretense in him as he stood up there and played. It is like he was connecting directly to God and God was personally talking to him and touching his heart.

I guess it is no wonder that Jesus said that God reveals things to the childlike. Their faith is so pure. They are so trusting.

I am always touched by childlike faith. Although I very much try to exercise my faith, sometimes, adult judgment can border into unbelief, cynicism, and even pretense. Not so with children. That is why they are close to God's heart.

It is the kind of heart that I would like to achieve--a child's heart that is full of faith and trust in God.

"I Can't Wait to Get Home"

Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is worth more than precious rubies.--Proverbs 31:10

My husband currently works in a call center as a technical support agent. Sometimes he would have a rough day with customers, and combined with an early morning call time, he is bushed by the end of the day.

While on his break, he would send me a text message that says he misses me and can't wait to get home.

I think that as a wife, it is something that we are to provide to our husbands--a home that they would look forward to coming home to. As opposed to the quarrelsome wife in Proverbs 21:9 where the husband would rather live in the corner of the roof, it is one of our primary roles--to provide a good home for our husband.

In our modern society where most women are working as well, I think we can still maintain a home that is worth coming home to, not just by our husbands but our children, too. We may not exactly be always present, but we can always find creative ways of doing things so that our husbands will not feel neglected. In my case, I work at home. And I can be really busy with all the events and creatives that I handle. But when my husband comes home, I make sure to drop everything I do and be with him, talk about his day, listen to his accomplishments and frustrations, join him as he has his meal, etc. Or if I could not be there for him, I try to leave food for him so that he does not have to prepare the meal himself and the most that he would do is to reheat the food. I also try to maintain a level of tidiness in our bedroom so that when he comes home and goes inside our bedroom, he finds a tidy place that smells good and is conducive for resting.

It could be anything. Our husbands have different jobs and as wives, we will find ourselves in varying circumstances. We have different personalities, interests, incomes, etc. Some may find it more difficult than others to make adjustments. But don't fret. Ask God where you can make adjustments and how you can make your husband your priority. If he is not yet your priority, then ask God to change your attitude and disposition and you will be surprised at how you will be guided into doing things out of love for your husband.

Then one day, you will just realize that your husband will say, "I can't wait to get home."

Communion: Unity in the Body of Christ

So if anyone eats this bread or drinks this cup of the Lord unworthily, that person is guilty of sinning against the body and the blood of the Lord. That is why you should examine yourself before eating the bread and drinking from the cup. -- I Corinthians 11:27-28

In our fellowship, we practice the commemoration of the Last Supper, called the Communion Sunday, every first Sunday of the month.

Each time, it was a unique experience, as the pastor would encourage us to things differently, like blessing others, confessing, going around and greeting brothers and sisters, among others, before partaking of the bread and cup.

As a personal commitment, I say a quick prayer of repentance, asking God to make me worthy to partake of this sacred celebration. I just think that God deserves nothing less of a clean heart. I know that some people take the communion different, and I am not judging them, as for, I considered it something personal between God and myself. And I sort of didn't care how they did it, as long as I was intent on my prayer for God to cleanse me from all sin.

One Sunday, our pastor was talking about unity in the church, how each one is part of the whole fellowship, how as one body we operate, and we are not independent of each other. When communion time came, I realized that I had been selfish. I had been self-righteous in the way I dealt about the communion. Well, I didn't mind other people, and that is the point. I was not concerned about them, as along as I did it right, or so I thought. If ever I am distracted, I would close my eyes and not let the other people get to me. Yeah, for me, they were distractions in what I was about to do.

That Sunday, I was convicted. If anything, I could not really correct other people's attitude and behavior towards partaking of the bread and wine. But at the very least, I could ask forgiveness for the collective sins of the people and the church, whether intentional of not. That is concern for the entire body. And my attitude of not wanting to get involved with them was just plain selfishness.

And from that point, I will consider others in my prayer everytime the communion will be celebrated.

A Child Looking at Her Father's Face

Let the smile of your face shine on us, LORD You have given me greater joy than those who have abundant harvests of grain and wine. Psalm 4:6-7

Every Sunday, after our worship service, our pastor's 5-year-old daughter would go to him, give him a hug, a kiss, or would just want to be carried up. She is known as Papa's girl, she just naturally adores her Papa.

But one Sunday, I caught her sitting on Pastor' lap, facing him. She was looking intently at her father's face, probably soaking in every feature of her Papa's face, his expression, and even caressing his face from time to time. She was so absorbed with his face, and she seemed to have taken a fascination of just looking at him, with love showing in her eyes.

While watching them and thinking how the baby girl in my womb is also responding to my husband's voice, I thought how my baby would also be like our pastor's daughter. Then suddenly it hit me. Wouldn't God like having us sit on His lap and just look at His face in just sheer adoration? No pretenses. No guile. No intention of asking for anything. Just plainly to seek His face and adore Him.

No wonder Jesus said that the kingdom of heaven belongs to little children. They have so much faith and they can give adoration without deception.

Oh how I long to have a faith like a child's and just be able to look at my Lord's face for a very long time--watching His every move and expression and waiting for Him to smile at me.

Christ is Blameless...But Was Falsely Accused, Too

... just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many." -- Matthew 20:28

Last night, while my husband and I were having around bedtime chat, I remembered Jesus and how humble He was while He was walking the earth.

He was maligned, gossiped about, and physically abused by people to the point of being sent to jail and crucified without a valid case. Then I thought about how He was able to keep quiet while people are demanding answers. And although He was wrongly accused, He never bothered to defend Himself, as for Him, it is no longer necessary. Why? Because He has a purpose to fulfill, and that is to serve and "give His life as a ransom for many."

I remember feeling bad when people would hurt me. I think that is a natural reaction. But by the grace of God, I have learned to forgive. Many times, people have wrongly accused me yet I have not stood up to defend myself, thinking that God will do so in my behalf, at His own time. And He did.

But lately, I became wary of loving and caring for some people. Maybe it is because recently, I have become a victim again of false judgments. I thought, for all the good that I do, this is the thanks I get? This attitude of mine has been going on for awhile.

God convicted me though, in the most inconspicuous manner last night, that He suffered more that I did yet He continued to do the good that He started out to do. He did not allow Himself to be weighed down by the pressures of this world, for He knew His purpose. So the next time I would feel like giving up and become apathetic because I was hurt by wrong judgments, I will be remembering Christ--who was without sin but became the recipient of the world's blame and shame. And who am I to think that I am so blameless?

Then I also remember our godmother in marriage--the principal of a local Christian elementary and high school. Tending the entire school with teachers, staff, students, and of course, the parents, it could not be helped that some people would hold grudges against her and wrongly accuse her. But she remains good and gentle and cheerful, and a stalwart supporter of righteousness. For me, she is one woman who epitomizes the gentleness, goodness, humility and the image of Christ.

I thank the Lord for the example that He has shown me. And I thank Him for the people before me who stood up for righteousness and did not waver even when they are being wrongly accused, judged and condemned. Now all I have to do is to focus on the purpose that the Lord has for me, not minding whether people around me understand me or not.

Things We Don't Understand

Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out! --Romans 11:33

I have been hurt by so many people in the past--both intentionally and unknowingly, and I have easily forgiven them. Well, some may have taken longer than the others, but at least, by God's grace, I have bestowed forgiveness and released myself from

Anyway, there are a couple of people that I couldn't seem to release. Maybe because they continue to hurt me, albeit now inadvertently, and they still think that they are right in doing so.

And I can't understand why these things are happening. I would often lament to God about this, because honestly, I wouldn't want to dwell in these negative feelings and get imprisoned with bitterness. Oh how many times have I prayed for them, asked forgiveness for them, blessed them, repented of my sin of unforgiveness, and others, but still, I am often plagued with feelings of resentment.

Then several days ago, I was reading a devotional book and the verse featured was Romans 11:33. Then I realized that yes, God's judgments and wisdom are so deep. He actually knows what I am going through at the moment and nothing is beyond Him.

For now, I cannot say that I have already been released. There is still resentment in my heart. But through fervent prayer, God is working in me step by step. And I have the assurance that God knows what He is doing in my life through the lessons that I will be learning from this experience.

Praise Night

They were also to stand every morning to thank and praise the Lord. They were to do the same in the evening.--1 Chronicles 23:30

I have always been fascinated with this verse. The story here is that King David was so passionate about God's glory that he has appointed priests to worship and praise the Lord 24-7 with songs and music.

These people did nothing but praised and worshipped the Lord, not interceding for the people--but adoring the one and only God.

With this inspiration, my husband and I decided to have our very own Praise Night. It is not 24-7, but we just wanted to set aside time that is dedicated to praise and worship the Lord for who He is. No petitions. Just praise and worship for the Lord's pleasure.

Sure we praise God in our regular prayer times, but on Praise Night, everything is about praising the Lord and being generous about it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Beadwork

For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.- Psalm 139:13

Before my wedding, I made the painstaking effort to do the beadwork on my blouse. But it took a great deal of time and a much greater deal of patience. On the third night of endless sewing, I asked the Lord for the reason why I had to go through doing it. I believe that God is sovereign and everything that we do is for a purpose.

In the silence of my room, God made me understand an analogy. I chose the beads to use-some are colorful, some are shiny, some are round, some are square. But there are those that appear bulky and dull. They actually look ugly while sitting in my small container. Yet, when I finished my design and placed each and every single bead, the entire picture is beautiful! Then I saw that if I used beads of the same size, shape, and color, my blouse would have looked either strikingly shiny or strikingly dull. Each piece was placed where it should be to serve a particular purpose-to make a beautiful design.

In the same way, God chose each of us. He made us the way we are and placed us where we are for a purpose. It doesn’t matter if we are black or white, rich or poor, talented or dull, young or old. We are part of God’s bigger plan and the pixel in the bigger picture.

However, oftentimes we tend to be insecure of those who are better than us or look down at those who do not measure up. We tend to compare the talents, accomplishments, and even the looks of siblings. We covet other people’s careers, money, homes, cars, even wives. This is because we only look at ourselves and do not see God’s beautiful plan. He is painting a big picture and we are all part of it.

Working on improving ourselves is a different thing. But working against God’s purpose for our lives is another. Seek out your place in God’s bigger picture and bloom where you are planted.

A Honeymoon Provided For

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." -- James 1:17

After the wedding, we did not immediately leave for our honeymoon trip. We are living with my in-laws and they had to go on a trip to China for a month. So we cannot leave the house and the store unattended. We didn't force the issue but rather patiently waited for our turn to come.

We didn't have a lot of money, but we wanted to take a trip together where we can just rest and enjoy each other's company after all the events that have transpired the past months. If given the choice, my husband and I would like a stay in a luxurious hotel with a bathtub. But since we cannot really afford such, we decided on visiting my husband's relatives in Cebu, Iligan, and his best friend in Cagayan (who was supposed to be the best man but wasn't able to attend our wedding).

So two months after the wedding, we had the opportunity to go on a honeymoon trip. But first, I had to go to Cebu for work for five days. I asked my boss if my new husband can tag along. Not only did he say yes, but my boss also got a separate room for my husband and myself so that we can be together. That was the first of our provision for our honeymoon.

While in Cebu, my husband tagged along with me while I worked, as he also had business in the fair where I was. At times, my boss would treat us out to lunches and dinners, allowing us to save some of our precious pocket money.

After my five-day work, our official honeymoon started. My husband's aunt and family fetched us and treated us to dinner. Then she sponsored our stay in a plush hotel (with a bathtub) in Cebu where she even shouldered our buffet dinner. Despite staying there for only a night, we enjoyed our stay there so much! But we were not able to try all the services and amenities available for lack of time.

Then we went to Iligan City the next day. The supposed 12-hour sea fare turned out to be 25 hours because of engine trouble. But thank God, we arrived safely, although hungry and very tired.

My husband's aunt, uncle and cousins in Iligan took care of us. They took turns treating us and bringing us around. They even gave us more gifts. When it was time to go to Cagayan de Oro, the eldest cousin went out of his way to drive us to the next destination. So aside from saving up on the fare, we had a comfortable trip. And he still took us out to dinner!

We met up with my hubby's cousin and best friend for a movie, and the cousin treated us to the show.

After Cagayan, we went back to Cebu, where another cousin gave us another free night at the same hotel. This time, we were able to get to enjoy more of the amenities there. Then there were more meals afterwards, because his relatives took turns taking us out.

We brought so much back home after our honeymoon. My husband's relatives truly took care of us. It was one unforgettable honeymoon. And despite the many places that we visited, we only spent very little, for we are well aware, that it was the Lord's hand upon us, providing for all that we needed. We didn't have much, but the Lord does and He so graciously provided for us.

2Corinthians 9:8 And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need and plenty left over to share with others. NLT

Losing Money and Health Temporarily

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. --Romans 8:28

A couple of weeks back, two strange events happened to us. My husband's cousin gave him some money as his share from our internet café. We intended to use the money to pay part of the money that we owe.

Twenty four hours later, when we were supposed to pay my brother in law whom we owe money, the bundle of money was P1,000 short. We could not think of anything where it might have gone, after all, our only activity that day was to have a pre-natal and I was the one who handed the payment to my OB-Gyne's secretary as I had already set aside a budget for this.

My husband was already feeling bad why we lost money that we could not explain. That night I prayed and asked the Lord for peace. God reminded me of Romans 8:28, that in every happening there is a reason, including losing money. I shared this with my husband and after praying, he felt relieved.

The following week, my husband had a high fever, which was followed by a really bad headache, and the appearance of rashes all around his body. There were contrasting opinion on his condition, but we decided to seek the advice of a specialist because I could not risk exposure due to my delicate situation. With that, my husband had to stay in a different room, undergo tests, take medication and replenish with high doses of vitamins. I also had my Vitamin C intake tripled.

Thankfully, nothing serious happened. My husband was feeling bad that instead of protecting and taking care of us, he might be endangering me and the baby. And to make matters worse, he was isolated in the other room. While this was going on, we would communicate through text messages. God reminded me again about Romans 8:28 and I sent it to him. He was again relieved.

These two instances set us back financially some several thousands of pesos. But despite it all, God remained faithful and reminded us that all things will work out for good, even the most trying times. We trusted God's word.

We are better now and my husband and I are back together again.

A Tidy Cabinet

Love is patient, love is kind. — I Corinthians 13:4

If there is one minor thing that irks any wife (or at least for those who care) is their husband's closet. Although there are really men who are very tidy with their things, not everyone is. And I have talked with other women who are also exasperated with how their hubby's clothes are positioned by the end of the day.

Raise your hands if this situation is familiar: After washing and ironing the family's clothes, the wife would then neatly pile up clothes in particular closets. In my case, I get the pile of clothes already washed and ironed. Then I would segregate them and pile them up in my hubby's closet. Everything looks neat and smells good. But the next time I open up his cabinet after a laundry day, it would look like a typhoon ravaged it.

At first I tried talking, then pleading, then nagging, for him to carefully remove the clothes that he is going to use. After a while, I got tired and gave up. I didn't fix his cabinet and shut up--thinking that somehow, he will give up and just decide to fix it up himself.

But one day, while this psych-war was going on (at least on my side), I Corinthians 13 came to my mind. Then I remember that "Love is patient. Love is kind." My actions and reactions to my husband in this particular issue weren't at all loving--I wasn't patient and kind.

One morning, I just told him that I love him, even with an unkempt closet. I promised to help him fix up his closet if he will spare the time. He happily agreed and one evening, we did. I learned then that he follows a system of choosing his clothes. Though they look the same to me, his shirts are actually divided into three categories (excluding his polo and long sleeve shirts) and I wasn't placing them in the right piles. Which is why whenever he wants to wear a particular shirt, he has to look for it in different piles, thereby resulting in disarray.

As we took out his clothes, refolded, sorted, and replaced everything, we just talked about the situation and even other things. It was not a heated time of argument, but a loving, bonding moment, because I changed my attitude and approach to the issue.

In the end, after only about an hour, we have successfully organized his things, including his underwear drawer. It was a wonderful time for us--to have accomplished our goal and to get closer to each other.

And best of all, his cabinet has been maintained ever since. I could cry just looking at how tidy his cabinet is as compared to what it was before we re-did it.

When we got married, I took on the responsibility of taking care of my husband and his affairs. But sometimes, my best intentions are not enough if they are not ministering to the person who is supposed to be the recipient of my care. Even if we think we know best, it is still best to ask them what would really benefit them, rather than to impose what we think is best for them. In my husband's case, joining him in fixing his cabinet made me realize that he is not the slob I thought him to be--he just has a different way of fixing things. It is not wrong--just different than mine. And I think that is one important aspect of love--to be kind and caring enough to let your spouse or any other person become the person that they are with you.

"To You Alone, Lord"

For the Lord your God is a consuming fire, a jealous God. – Deuteronomy 4:24

When I have physical problems, my immediate reaction is to seek medical attention, or at least, pop a pill that might relieve the symptoms. After several months of trying to conceive, I went to the doctor for a check up. An ultrasound was recommended and it revealed a condition known as Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). It is a condition where follicles remain as cystic spaces in the ovaries because they do not form into eggs, which is the monthly natural process for women.

In short, I don’t lay eggs. So following my doctor’s advice I went on medication and intensive work up to my health. I underwent home detoxification remedies, touch therapy, massage therapy, and a whole lot of other things.

Then one day, I just decided that enough is enough. Except for maintaining overall good health, I stopped all therapies and medications. I also politely refused well-meaning advices. At that point, I decided to wait on God and God alone. And I have decided that no matter what, He will remain my God and I will not turn my back to Him.

I think it was about two months since I made that decision when I finally tested positive for pregnancy. At the time of this writing, I am already 13 weeks pregnant. And oh how we thanked and praised God for He did not withhold such a good thing from us.

The Lord is a jealous God. I remember praying in the past that even in my pregnancy, He will be glorified. And indeed He is. He alone wanted sole credit for blessing us with our future baby—not the medications, therapies, or advice of other people. So to God alone, do I dedicate, commit, and acknowledge this pregnancy. I gladly attribute this to God and yes, He is glorified because people are so happy to learn about this new happening in our lives and they are praising God about it.

Hope for the Barren Woman

In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. - 1Samuel 1:10

He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD. – Psalm 113:9

It took me some time to realize that I am what the English language calls a barren woman. I always had this notion that when a couple gets married, it is inevitable that they would bear children and build family. Such is what nature intended procreation to be.

But I have PCOS, with the origin quite unclear. I have never had a normal or regular menstrual period ever since puberty. It was quite a struggle for me to accept the fact. My thoughts didn’t just end on the fact that I was barren, it well continued on the thought that I am not a complete woman because I am incapable of bearing child. It led me to question my capacities at being a wife, for I cannot bear my husband children. But thankfully, I have a very supportive husband who assured me of his love even we were not blessed with children.

My OB gyne prescribed oral fertility drugs, which made me anxious and feel so many uncomfortable symptoms. After two cycles I stopped. She recommended injectables and if nothing happened, the next step would be artificial insemination. The two other options were definitely out. I figured if God blesses us with our own child, so be it. I would not do anything as drastic anymore.

Well, I did do other things, like massage therapy, touch therapy, fertility vitamins, vegetable supplements that are supposed to boost my female hormones, and a host of other things. Well meaning family and friends were also recommending different methods and remedies and amulets, etc. But there came point when I decided to stop everything. I even stopped taking vitamins altogether. I politely declined all advices. I gave up on the efforts but did not give up hope. I committed everything to God and came back to the promise that He gave me when I was still single—that I may be advancing in age when I will bear a child. My husband and I also committed on eradicating the anxiety and replacing it with joy in our marriage. We became more relaxed and we were able to enjoy much of our time together and in building up our relationship as a couple.

I was 32 when I got married, with PCOS, and my mom having a history of difficult pregnancies. I was getting worried at times, but God’s word continued to comfort me. And I forgot how many times I read the first chapter of Samuel. I knew in my heart that if God has blessed Hannah, I, too could be blessed. I believed that God alone has the capacity to open my womb.

Middle of this year, 2008, I felt strange. I told my husband about it, but he replied that I always feel weird. We have tested so many times before based on my weird feelings and super delayed monthly period, but nothing happened. So we were sort of used to it already. So I brushed it off until one day I finally decided to take a pregnancy test because the symptoms continued. But before that, I told God, “Lord whatever happens, whatever the results, I will still praise You.” Needless to say, the test came out positive.

It was hard to believe at first (I know we have been waiting and waiting but it was quite difficult to accept the good news at first), so my husband, who was in a different city at that time, told me to get second opinion—either a blood HCG test or an ultrasound. I opted for the latter. And indeed I am pregnant, just a wee bit early for ultrasound at 5 weeks because no fetal pole can yet be seen. But indeed something was developing inside of me and the doctor confirmed that a fetus is forming. We had to have a follow up ultrasound for weeks later just for confirmation.

Nevertheless, there was unending praising not only from my husband and myself, but also our families and friends who had been praying for us. God is indeed mysterious, He has His ways. I came upon Psalm 113:9 and when I read it, I nodded vigorously in agreement because indeed it is God who settles the barren woman in her home and makes her a mom.

I am pretty sure that this story has a purpose and my sharing this would bring hope to other women who have similar or even worse fertility problems. God is sovereign and the Creator of all. And nothing is impossible for Him—not even opening the womb of a barren woman.